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We resumed walking.
Second of all, no one in Boston knows that I used to be an escort.
That you know of. They could find out. I mean, you had that one woman you
know, the textbook rep who transferred, or whatever. And that s just the one you told me
about. Besides, it s not like New Yorkers don t like art, or Boston.
So they find out. I doubt many of them would care. Anyway, that s not the point.
How many times do I have to tell you I m not that guy anymore.
But you act like him when you re in the gallery. It s not just today. I ve seen the
way you talk and schmooze with all of them, male and female alike. I spoke matter-of-
factly as opposed to being defensive.
He paused to consider this. It comes in handy, he said. The purpose is the
same, I guess: to please them. They re spending a lot of money, after all.
Ah, I thought. It s business as usual . I remember that.
I just sometimes wonder what you see in me, I said.
I think the words even surprised me, as did the revelation that that was what had
always kept me from making a move on Devin years ago, what had stopped me from
insisting that we throw out the contract that had forbidden us to be friends, or saying to
hell with the arrangement and just fucking him right there on his pristine sofa in his West
Village loft. Many of his escort clients had been women in six-figure-salary positions,
women who could afford an escort. But there were also a lot of women like me. Almost
all of my Brooklyn U female colleagues, for example, who maxed out their credit cards
just for one date; women who were rather ordinary, who used over the counter hair
products and wore no-name clothes and costume jewelry, their fingers craving a wedding
ring.
I had never seen myself as beautiful enough for his world. For him. Despite his
telling me otherwise then, and now, I had never been convinced. And yet, I d never once
had that insecurity with Sam. For one thing, he never said things like, You look
beautiful. No, Sam would tell me constantly that I was beautiful, that when it came to
me, beauty wasn t merely in the eye of the beholder, but hardwired into me. This coming
from a man who was the poster boy for gorgeous. But Sam didn t even have to say
anything to convince me; I felt that way in his presence even if I d just woken up. If he
just said, Good morning, Sweetheart, then that was enough. And it wasn t Sam s
saying that made it so; rather, I believed that I had been that way all along. For Sam,
though. Not Devin. And apparently, not David either. At least not yet.
My God, Andi. If you have to ask& David said, shaking his head
incredulously.
If I have to ask, then what?
Then you must not know me at all.
***
Maggie drove up to Massachusetts for the Labor Day weekend, and we laughed
incessantly. It felt good to laugh like that again. If I had had a biological sister, I imagine
our relationship would be like mine and Maggie s. She was, at that time, the only person
with whom I really felt at home. Even Miranda, my best friend in Massachusetts, never
reached the heights of silliness with me (balanced with mutual love and respect) that
Maggie did.
We sat on my deck, where my brothers had played their guitars, she and I
drinking non-alcoholic daiquiris.
Do you think I m beautiful, Mags?
I don t wanna marry you or anything like that, she said, but you know I think
you re beautiful, Cupcake. Why? What s up?
I met one of David s art clients.
And?
And she made Wonder Woman look matronly.
Oh, one of those nightmares, she said and took a sip. Really Andi, don t give
her another thought. She s got more plastic on and in her than Wonder Woman s
invisible jet.
You should have seen the way she was all over him.
How did he respond?
You remember the way he used to be with Allison the textbook rep? I asked.
Maggie nodded as she recalled the mental image, and I knew that was all she
needed to hear.
Well it is his business, she said. Being an art buyer or a dealer or whatever he
is now can t be much different than being an escort. In order to keep them happy, he has
to play their game.
That s pretty much what he said, I said.
And I m sure they re not all like that woman. And who cares if they are? He s
with you.
But why me? He could have any woman he wants.
Sam could ve had any woman he wanted. Did you ever question why he was
with you?
You wanna know something crazy? Sam used to ask me once in awhile why I
was with him. He was the insecure one. And Sam was different. He was never around
that world of glitz and money and whatnot. He was a reading and writing geek like you
and me.
But it s not like David was born into that world. He was from Long Island just
like you, and worked his way through college and all that. Devin was an illusion. You
said so yourself.
I finished my daiquiri. You re right, I said. I m being stupid.
He loves you, Andi.
I know. I tilted my head toward the sun-splashed trees and squinted.
Let s get the hell out of here, Mags, I said. We exchanged devilish grins.
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